The Desperate Dad’s Guide to Getting Some

You have to do more than sling one heavy, hairy arm across our chests a microsecond before you begin snoring. Professional help is available.

DON'T blame the hormones. If we seem annoyed, assume it is your fault and strive mightily to mollify us. Do not automatically chalk it up to the vagaries of menstruation. Doing so will ensure long cycles of celibacy.

DO let us sleep in. Corral the kids and keep them quiet. Then bring us breakfast in bed. This will release passion-promoting endorphins all over our bodies that by nightfall will have us convinced you are Brad Pitt. We might even slip into that negligee you bought years ago, the one with the price tag still on it.

DON'T try to multitask.

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